So many articles are popping up of late about pedophiles or being sexually molested as a child, and it’s brought on by the Duggars and the news that their son is clearly disturbed. I’m not here to talk about that.

I’m here to figure out how you’re supposed to live with the knowledge that you never sought charges against the man who molested you, yet you know people who think he’s just the greatest man. What right do I have to name him publicly if I refuse to charge him? Because I want more than anything to shout to anyone and everyone who this disgusting piece of shit is. Why should he get to live the quiet life when I’m left with scars?

Side note: I do not know the law and I do not know whether I can actually charge him with anything, considering it’s probably 30 years since it happened (I say probably because I’m unsure of my exact age when it happened – I guess between 6 – 8). However, what I do know is that were I to charge him and have to go to court, I don’t know that I would want to be revictimized. The law says he’s innocent until proven guilty so, as his accuser, I must prove him guilty. Lord knows my father would deny the whole thing happened (as he did over the phone with my brother) so I would have only my mother as an after-the-fact witness (totally not a legit thing). That’s not my concern. My concern is myself and what toll it would take to go through this. What emotional toll would I be faced with if I had to publicly, out loud, describe what this man did to me? To strangers who are scrutinizing me? And then to be cross examined by his defense lawyer who will paint every decision I’ve ever made as a poor one and make me out to be a downright horrible human being when what we’re not here to discuss is myself but the man who sexually assaulted, sexually molested, sexually penetrated me as a child

I couldn’t do it. I honestly don’t think that I could do it. And knowing that, is it fair to ever speak his name when I refuse to find the courage to charge him, when I refuse to give him the chance to defend himself as our law allows?

Or, by typing all of that, am I somehow protecting him and taking the whole incident back onto myself as my own burden to carry, and not his, or ours together?

He sings and plays guitar and there were two songs that always reminded me of him. I played them to myself so often in order to change the meaning behind them. I took them as songs of pain and misery and shame and turned them into warrior songs. They still remind me of him. Nothing could ever remove the scar he seared into my soul, but these songs are no longer shamefully attached to him. They’re now mine, proof that despite what he may have done to me, I am a Phoenix. I rose from the ashes of a broken child. The child he sexually assaulted and molested. She died and in her place I began to live. I began to thrive and it took me many years to accept that what was done to me was not my fault, that I am now risen. Scarred from the flames and stronger for them, tender though they may occasionally be.

I shall not name him but I do believe the pain he is in today physically is karma slowly torturing him. And I hope it is painful.

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